Newsflash.

It's been a few months since I have written. Just now, I went back and read through my previous posts from this year. They left me in tears. I felt those emotions that I was feeling at the time all over again. I remembered how painful my year has been.

BUT...

I have great news! It's what I've been waiting for for so long.
Finally, the mutual feelings I've been dreaming of are being reciprocated. He loves me!!!!
I have had the most amazing couple of months. Full of spontaneity, laughs, dates, sleepovers and affection. I have felt wanted and loved in a way that I honestly hadn't felt for more than a year. The effort that I have seen from his side has been amazing, and has left me smiling day after day after day. It's all I have ever wanted!

BUT...
(you're wondering, how could there be another 'but'? Me too)

I am so scared. Scared that my hopes are so high right now. Scared that I'm so happy.
I'm scared because what am I going to do if I get crushed again? What if he decides again that he doesn't love me? I've had this great taster that I can't come back from now.

I don't want to ruin it for myself with this fear and I can feel myself moving that way and doing it already. I want us to be happy and in love and together building an amazing future. I can see it now. I know that I will be forever happy with him because I can say whole heartedly that I love who he is so so so much.

As the great Macklemore-ingstein said (get the reference? haha) - 'Scared of the future, thinking about the past, while missing out on now'.

I can't be that way. I need to acknowledge that right now is absolutely amazing and I am so lucky to be in the position that I am. I knew we had a reason for never giving up, despite all we have been through in this past year. And that reason is now; because what we have right here, right now, is perfect.

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