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Showing posts from 2017

SAYONARA 2017

This year has been HUGE.
In terms of profession, it is the year I began my career as a graduate teacher. I have never been so tired in my life, but nor have I ever felt so rewarded. I have grown through the year in so many ways and my love for what I do is only going to continue to grow. Through this, I have learnt that hard work and organisation will be rewarded. I have also learnt to be proud of who I am and what I bring, trying to doubt myself much less.
In my personal life, I think it has been the hardest year yet. But as it is drawing to a close, I am ecstatic to say that I am coming through the other side. I have learnt this year that communication is absolutely essential. I have also learnt the value of understanding and forgiveness. I have learnt that through pretty dark times, if you honestly believe that your love for the other is deep, working through it is so worth it. I can guarantee that my love for my partner is deeper and more real than it has ever been - our souls have …

Newsflash.

It's been a few months since I have written. Just now, I went back and read through my previous posts from this year. They left me in tears. I felt those emotions that I was feeling at the time all over again. I remembered how painful my year has been.

BUT...

I have great news! It's what I've been waiting for for so long.
Finally, the mutual feelings I've been dreaming of are being reciprocated. He loves me!!!!
I have had the most amazing couple of months. Full of spontaneity, laughs, dates, sleepovers and affection. I have felt wanted and loved in a way that I honestly hadn't felt for more than a year. The effort that I have seen from his side has been amazing, and has left me smiling day after day after day. It's all I have ever wanted!

BUT...
(you're wondering, how could there be another 'but'? Me too)

I am so scared. Scared that my hopes are so high right now. Scared that I'm so happy.
I'm scared because what am I going to do if I get cr…

The fine line.

There's a fine line between friends and partners.
Friends are scheduled in around other plans. Partners' time together is a priority. Friends do not have to necessarily think about the implications of their actions. Partners must think about how their actions affect their loved one.  Friends do not share intimate affection. Partners give each other more than a kiss you'd give your grandma.  Friends can omit information from each other. Partners are open and honest. 
If you're a partner, you are supposed to want to spend time with your special person. Partners do not come as a second option if you have no other plans made. Partners do not speak to their loved one as though they are insignificant. Partners do not spend every night in bed alone. 
Partners are loyal and they are forgiving. They provide love even in the most trying times. They stick it out through the thick and thin. That's all I'm trying to do, and all I ever have tried to do. 
I've said it bef…

The waiting game...

Let me introduce you to the latest game I'm playing.
It's called 'The Waiting Game'.

Basically, I sit and I wait. For him to choose when I am enough, for him to choose when he feels comfortable, for him to choose when I can have girlfriend privileges, basically just for him to choose to treat me right and like I deserve.

Does it sound like a fun game to you? Me neither.
But, little old me has signed my name up and strapped in for the ride.
Let's see if I come out on top - let the games begin.

Broken.

It's really hard to accept that somebody doesn't love you anymore. It's hard to be on the receiving end of that, when you still love the person with all your heat and soul.
To not have any control, regardless of what you want or how you feel, absolutely sucks. It leaves you feeling empty. Feeling like there's just no point.
I understand now that that's what it feels like to have your heart broken. I know everyone says it'll pass. But it certainly doesn't feel like it in the moment.
How stupid am I that I whole heartedly still want to make it work? I am genuinely still holding on to some shrivel of hope that he's going to say he realises he could never live without me and loves me to the ends of the earth. But why would he?
He's told me he doesn't see me like that. I guess I can't force him. I guess I just need to accept that I'm not that person for him anymore, even if he still is the one for me.
For now, I'm still waiting, hoping he…

I'm tired.

I am so damn tired.
Tired of not being good enough. Tired of putting in unreturned effort. Tired of telling myself it'll all work out. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of just having to accept that people's shitty mistakes can ruin your heart. Tired of loving someone who is seemingly never going to love me back.

Self-worth. It's a concept that everyone may think they will hold when the time comes but it's so much easier said than done. I thought I had it.
But when you're constantly pushing to be good enough for somebody to love, you lose it. You become someone craving some love and affection to make you feel you're worthy.

All I want is to be loved. The way I once was. When someone used to tell me I looked gorgeous, that I was so kind, that they could never get enough of me.
That's the hardest part about once having something amazing. You'll continue to compare to it. The thing is, everyone deserves that. Nobody deserves to have it ripped away.

I'…

Please tell me.

Please tell me.
What do you do when your whole world is falling apart?
When you're just getting hit, after hit, after hit.

When your family member expresses their hatred for you?
When the one person you're in love with does the same?
When you've physically got nobody to turn to?

Please tell me. What are you meant to do?

How can I stop these tears from falling?
How can I stop this constant lump in my throat?

There's only so long that you can hide behind a smile.
My days for that are numbered.

3 years later...

My last post was titled 'Here's to 2014!' which, upon re-opening my blog, blew my mind. Where have 3 years gone? But at the same time, a lot has happened. Let me update you.

Basically, since then, I have finished uni, I have gained full time employment as a teacher, I have celebrated 6 and a half years with my boyfriend and I have been on multiple trips. But here I am, still the same old me. A little older, sure. Wiser? You could say that. But at the end of the day, I'm the same curious-minded girl I've always been!

You might be wondering why all of a sudden I've come back to writing. The truth is, I never stopped. The 'notes' application on your iPhone is a wonderful thing. But I'm ready now for my thoughts to be out there again.

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment. Between navigating the world of full time teaching, maintaining a social life as a 23 year old and hanging onto my relationship for dear life, my mind is constantly raci…