Please tell me.

Please tell me.
What do you do when your whole world is falling apart?
When you're just getting hit, after hit, after hit.

When your family member expresses their hatred for you?
When the one person you're in love with does the same?
When you've physically got nobody to turn to?

Please tell me. What are you meant to do?

How can I stop these tears from falling?
How can I stop this constant lump in my throat?

There's only so long that you can hide behind a smile.
My days for that are numbered.

3 years later...

My last post was titled 'Here's to 2014!' which, upon re-opening my blog, blew my mind. Where have 3 years gone? But at the same time, a lot has happened. Let me update you.

Basically, since then, I have finished uni, I have gained full time employment as a teacher, I have celebrated 6 and a half years with my boyfriend and I have been on multiple trips. But here I am, still the same old me. A little older, sure. Wiser? You could say that. But at the end of the day, I'm the same curious-minded girl I've always been!

You might be wondering why all of a sudden I've come back to writing. The truth is, I never stopped. The 'notes' application on your iPhone is a wonderful thing. But I'm ready now for my thoughts to be out there again.

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment. Between navigating the world of full time teaching, maintaining a social life as a 23 year old and hanging onto my relationship for dear life, my mind is constantly racing. This is somewhat of my outlet.

You'll have noticed that my relationship has played a feature role in my posts, and that's because it is something so near and dear to me. It is something that is constantly changing and evolving with its ups, downs and everything in between. The past six months have been tough - really tough. I've been clinging on with what feels like the tips of my fingers for a while.

Let me get you up to scratch. In short, my boyfriend confessed he wasn't in love with me anymore and later I found out he cheated and had been hiding quite a secret. Now, reading that, it sounds pretty self-explanatory. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm still so in love. Oh, for the record, I am soooo bloody in love. Well, firstly, his 'secret', I feel humbled that he trusted me enough to share that with me. I know that confessing what he had done would have been ridiculously difficult. Of course, initially, I was furious, but upon reflection, it shows me how strong and trusting our bond is that he would feel he can finally be truthful about it all. My only hope is that this truth is upheld going forward.

I feel as though now we have moved from that issue, and I'm pacing back to the 'in love' one. I am trying so hard to keep our relationship going. Remember my post back in 2012 where I mentioned being completely, 100% all in? Well, that was 5 years ago and the thing is, that entire time since then, I've been entirely invested. You can read my posts back, there is no doubt he was definitely invested. But something had changed recently and he'd lost interest. My hope is that now that we are starting fresh and maintaining a completely open relationship, his interest regains and he falls back in love.

I'm for sure giving it everything in me, but now an internal battle remains. I've been being completely honest with my feelings, showering him in love and affection and I feel as though that's not working. So do I pull back and hold my feelings a little closer to my chest to see if he meets me halfway? Or do I keep showing him how insanely loved he is? I know I can't really force anything, but he means the absolute world to me and I don't ever want to think about losing him. When we are good, he honestly makes me so happy. But I just crave that affection we once had - the kind where he would be the one to kiss me first, or to hug me from behind, give me a forehead kiss, tell me he loves me first etc. Those nostalgic feelings bring a smile to my face. Will we ever have that again? Please, tell me this was our low and we are only onwards and upwards from here. Please.

Here's to 2014!

New Years. The one day of the year that we see an official day of new beginnings, limitless possibilities and countless opportunities. It is a day that we take to reflect on the year that has been, as well as look into what we aspire for the year ahead. I don’t have any of the traditional resolutions, to get fit, get a new job etc, but rather some more philosophically based ones, I suppose.

The first, to ensure that I live each moment to the fullest. It is true that you do not realize the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory, so this year I want to soak up each and every moment while it lasts.

The second, to be grateful. Seems easy and pretty self-explanatory, but I endeavor to ensure each and every day I recognize my countless blessings; my good health, roof over my head and amazing family and friends. I often fall victim to wishing and wanting things sometimes selfishly considering how lucky I am to have what I have. This year I want to try to completely minimize this.

Next, to not worry about what others think and know my true worth. This is a huge one for me, but I am going to try this year to do what makes me happy and just plain and simply be me, and not worry about what anybody else thinks about it. I aim to ooze confidence this year, with some good self-love and appreciation!

These hopes for the year ahead are especially important to me this year as this year I had my first encounter of death in my family. It demonstrated to me how quickly things can change and how fleetingly things can be taken away from you. I came to realize that life is something precious and that when that day of death does come, I want to be sure that I am proud of the life I lived, and have no regrets. This year, my main goal is to just be  HAPPY. Happy with myself as a person, and happy with the decisions I make. So here’s to 2014, let’s make it a good one!

that's how I know.

Forever is a long time.
A really, really, really, realllly long time.
Like, your whole life.
And I’m not sure of much very often.
But I am sure of one thing.
I want to spend my forever with him.
You know those moments where you just know?
This is one of them.
Something just clicks.
Every moment spent with him is great.
No matter what we are doing.
That’s how I know.
Every time he smiles at me my heart flips.
That’s how I know. 
If it's me and him, nothing else matters.
That's how I know.
I would do anything to ensure his happiness.
That’s how I know.
Time not spent with him feels like time wasted.
That’s how I know.
When I see my future, I can’t see it without him in it.
That is how I really know.
Forever and always,
And that’s a promise.
    - xx - 


goodbye 2012.

Living in the society we do today, we often keep looking forward, wishing for tomorrow, instead of remembering to look back, and reflect that all that has happened and all that we have learnt.
This is no more true than on New Years Eve. We find ourselves making resolutions for the year ahead, wishing for a better, bigger, brighter year. We forget that it brings another aspect, and that is reflection.
I too, often fall victim of this. But today, on the last day of 2012, I have decided to take a moment to reflect on the year that was.
This year, I learnt more than I have ever learnt before. It’s been eventful, had its ups and downs but I am grateful for every single experience.
Long story short, this year I have:

- had my first year out of highschool
- started a uni course
- dropped out of a uni course
- worked 3 jobs
- quit 2 jobs
- got a promotion to management
- celebrated 2 years with my boyfriend
- volunteered overseas in Vietnam
- travelled to Thailand
- been to Queensland
- been to Sydney twice
- figured out what I want to do as a career

I could go on longer, but I’ll spare you the details. The point is, yes, the year starts again, time ticks over, but the year you have just had shouldn’t lose any value.
Take some time to list everything that has happened to you this year, good or bad, and try to tell me that last New Years you had that planned.
The resolutions we make today for the year ahead will be only a tiny speck of what you can expect to come your way. Writing this right now, I know that when I read this back in a years time I will laugh at how I had no idea of what was in store for me this year.
So, this year, my main resolution is to live in the moment as positively as I can. To embrace every opportunity I receive and to spend my year the happiest version of myself I can be.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you’re nearing your death, but truth is, the past year flashes before your eyes every New Years Eve, so let’s do our best to make sure it’s worth watching.

month of clarity.

The month of July is now underway, and I want to take this month to appreciate all that goes on. 
To reflect on the positives, rather than dwell on the negatives. 
So, each day, I will record the highlight of my day, something to be positive about. As the days pass and the list grows, I'm sure clarity will be a new element introduced into my day to day life.

July 1st - After a long day at work, I got to spend the night with my amazing boyfriend on a cute and cosy 'date' at the drive-in.
July 2nd - Spending the night with my family, including my best friend and boyfriend made me thankful for the incredible people I do have in my life. Seeing my sister and boyfriend laugh together made my night.
July 3rd - A much needed afternoon with my mum and sister completed my day as I had missed going out with them for weekends so much.
July 4th - A surprise visit after work from my boyfriend made my 12 hour working day so much better. Not to mention my favourite chocolate bar he bought me. 
July 5th - Being chafuerred around all day, to work, to Highpoint, to get icecream, was great.
July 6th - Celebrated 23 months of something amazing. The best part was seeing a shooting star and not even having to wish on it.
July 7th - A night out at the circus with a few people I love put a smile on my face and gave me something to look forward to.
July 8th - One of the first nights I spent just lazying around at home after work. Felt good to have nowhere I needed to be but home.
July 9th - I love nothing more than a quiet night in, with a DVD and some snacks.
July 10th - Nothing better than giving yourself some time to shop for yourself.
July 11th - An extremely long 12 hour day at work, but one that ended positively with two whole days off to look forward to!
July 12th - After a long reflection, finally quit a job that was a little too rigid for my liking. Very empowering feeling.
July 13th - A special day out with my favourite person in the entire world made my day a lot brighter. With the celebrations continuing into the night, I felt so happy to have been there this year after missing the previous year. This date on the calendar will be important to me forever.
July 14th - First weekend off in seven months felt great and celebrating my boy once again was an even better feeling! Ending the night with sickness was a downside but also an eye opener as to how much of a lucky girl I am.
July 15th - Spent the day watching movies with my family for the first time on a weekend in months. Didn't realise how much I had missed that feeling until today.
July 16th - Had dinner cooked for me at my boyfriends and a quiet night in.. Consolidated to me that I could have nights like that forever.
July 17th - At the end of the day I realised that when it's just him and I, I literally am worry free, which is quite a rarity for me.
July 18th - A long overdue sleepover with my best friend was the perfect ending to my day.
July 19th - Spent some time assessing my future. Putting a positive spin on the indecisiveness of myself, I say, at least I'm open to plenty of options!
July 20th - One word, perfect. Perfect date with the perfect boy. No better feeling than hearing someone special say you look pretty or that they can't imagine life without you. You see it written all the time, but in person is a whole other level.

Lesson #1: The dictionary defines family as:
Family: [n] a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children.
Growing up, that's what I had always believed. Family was my parents and my sister. But I learnt so far this month that it's much more than that. It's those people in your life that you love unconditionally, whether they're related by blood or not. My best friend, my boyfriend, a few others, they're family. And there's nothing in this world more important than family.

Lesson #2: Who am I living for?
If your answer to this was 'me', then you know its time to do what makes you happy. Myself, I find it difficult to say no to people, I am constantly thinking of what the consequences for them will be, rather than putting myself first and doing what makes me happy. I learnt this month that I'm only going to be young once, so I need to make the most of it. I don't want to spend every weekend cooped up in an office, I want to spend time with family and friends and enjoy life. The money might be good, but what's sacrificed isn't worth it. Big lesson learnt.

Lesson #3: Sometimes the best things result from the worst things.
Vomiting endlessly is not a positive thing, at all. I learnt this the hard way a few nights ago. But, from this negative experience, I also learnt something else. I learnt that sometimes some really good things can come out of something not so good. That night, I truly and honestly felt such love from my boyfriend. We weren't kissing (he would not have gone there with me in that state haha), we weren't hugging, we were barely even speaking, but the love I felt was more present than ever. He cared for me all night, despite my un-appealing mess of self that I was, he loved me and was 100% there for me. Lesson learnt, never underestimate the power of a bad situation to bring out the best.

you know who you are.

When I think of the word ‘love’, all I can think about is you. The concept of loving someone else seems unfathomable, quite frankly, it seems completely out of the picture.
Over two years ago now you came into my life. You’d been in my life before, but as more of an extra rather than a lead. But two years ago, at 16 years of age, you took the lead.
It’s funny, really, all of a sudden, to me you weren’t that person that I’d kind of known from primary school. You became this intriguing, some may say ‘amazing’ person that I wanted to get to know.
As our friendship began to form and we, as much as I hate to admit it, began to flirt, the butterflies I began to feel in my stomach made it evident to me that I would love for it to eventuate to something more. And, after what I can appreciate to be a build up of courage, on that day in June it became exactly that. Unofficial, of course, but ‘seeing each other’ was good enough for me.
First date jitters came, as would be expected, but what I did not know at that time, was that this first date would be one of many to come. Looking back, the innocence of it all was what made it so special. Both so frightened to hold each others hand, to look like a fool, to order a cheeseburger the way I like it, seems so juvenile now. But the nervousness and the anxiousness was all a part of it.
A few dates on and the day of officiality arrived. The nervous ‘Tell him you have a boyfriend” scenario smoothly took place transitioning into asking me to be your girlfriend, with of course, a more than delighted acceptance followed by a face-reddening kiss on the cheek. The memory is so clear as though it was only yesterday. Progressing on that night, the first hand hold. Butterflies going crazy as soon as you go in for the grab, and maintaining themselves there pretty much until the end of the night, or to be honest, pretty much still here to this day.
Then, the first kiss. On that unsuspecting night in August, the moment you took my hand and led me outside, those butterflies appeared more than ever. You told me you loved me and leaned in. At that moment, I could have been anywhere in the world and it would have felt like I was in the middle of Paris in front of a beautiful backdrop of the Eiffel Tower. I could've been in the middle of a war for all I knew, because at that moment, everything else blurred and to this day, the best kiss of my life occured. Despite the lack of experience and the incredibly unguided tongue I probably would have had, that kiss was one I will never forget for the rest of my life.
Months go by, blissfully and swiftly as ever, and, as any good story, the negative climax. The break up that wasn’t really. I say ‘the negative climax’ because that was a low point in some respects, but to me it worked in our favour, it only made us stronger and get to where we are now. And I say,  ‘that wasn’t really’ because like it or not, those feelings we have for each other continued to be present, hence us being together here and now.
The here and now is a part of the story I want to touch on. I can’t change the past, but what I can do is write about what I know now, and how I feel now. To this day, after this long journey that unofficially has been going for over 2 years, I still have those crazy in love*, undeniable feelings for you. You are absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you unconditionally. You provide me with a guaranteed reason to smile. No matter what life throws at me, no matter how bad I’m feeling or how sorry for myself I’m feeling, all I need to think of is you. And then I immediately recall how lucky I am that God gave you to me. Such a special gift, and one that unlike a lot of gifts, I won’t use for a little bit then get rid of. One that, I can say with utter confidence, I will have forever. I promise you now that you have my heart, today, tomorrow and every day after that.

*subtle Beyonce quote, just for you

miss you?

Who do you turn to when you have nobody to turn to?
Lately, I’ve found myself drifting. Trying, trying, trying, but drifting. My friends and I all made a pact before finishing highschool that we would keep in contact and be friends forever, but lately that idea seems to be becoming more and more of a distant memory.
I totally get that people have uni to attend, jobs to work and sports to play, but what I don’t get is not having one spare hour to meet up and chat. Or five spare minutes to send a text to see how you are.
It does get frustrating, because I sometimes feel as though I am making more of an effort than others. I’m always the one texting ‘Hey haven’t spoken in a while, how are you?’ or inviting ‘Dinner whenever anyone’s free next week?’ and it constantly seems like too much of an effort, like I’m being a hassle to them.
I don’t go to uni right now, so I don’t get that interaction with each other that they get. The only person I really get to see from highschool regularly is my boyfriend. Not that I’m complaining about that, because he is the one person who is there for me through thick and thin, and who makes time for me. I love that. I just wish my friends could do the same… 

snapshot of appreciation.

That moment. That clarity. That appreciation.
It hit me recently.
In life, time is crucial. You don’t get a lot of it, and the time you do get needs to be spent wisely. Surrounded by the people you love, by the people who love you. I’ve learnt that wasting time on things that really don’t deserve all that time and attention is juvenile, it’s unnecessary. I’ve learnt that if someone’s worth your time, then they should also make the effort. But most of all, I’ve learnt to appreciate what I have now.
It’s become apparent to me that worrying about the future or being apprehensive is no good. For the most part, I refer to this in regards to relationships.
Being scared that you’re going to lose that person and holding back, is what’s going to make you lose them in the end. Being afraid they may harm you, is only harming yourself. Funny, isn’t it? The things we are afraid of them doing are really what we are already doing to ourselves.
I watched a movie recently, where the character learnt that you need to take life by the arm and run with it. Enjoy what you have now and follow your heart.
I have begun to apply this to my own life. I can recognize the potential now, and I have 100% let my guard down.
As much as I wanted to believe before that it wasn’t up anymore, after almost 22 months, almost 2 years, I finally felt it drop. The shield that I had continued to put up and pin other reasons on was no longer there. No longer will I bring up “do we need a break to see what if?”, no longer will I be uncertain; from here on out I will take it day by day, focusing on the feelings I have now and what my heart tells me now.
In reality, why let something so good pass me by? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship I have. In fact, it’s pretty perfect. And maybe that’s what scared me; the fact that I can not name a flaw, the fact that there’s not a thing I don’t like about the relationship, and the fact that I can truly see myself in this for the rest of my life.
Maybe it was a little too much for me to process. But now, I’m in it. I’m well and truly in it. I’m ready to commit to that, to make an effort, to do everything I can to make it work, to push those fears aside, to keep those undying feelings alive.
He doesn’t make it hard though, let me say that. Most lovable, cute, kind, thoughtful, loyal boy on the planet. He is  what some would refer to as the safe option, yes, but to me he’s also the only option. And right here, right now, today, although only a snapshot of appreciation written, I appreciate all that I have.

buckle up and enjoy the ride.

As I’m sitting here today watching the rain drizzle down outside my window, it allows me a brief moment to sit and reflect. A moment to step away from the busy lifestyle we all lead to take some time to ourselves to do some thinking.
I can’t help but be symbolic, and see the occasional rainfall likewise to the occasional downfalls I may have in life. They’re there, they’re present for sure, but you have to keep positive and keep remembering that at the end of a storm, comes a rainbow.
You won’t always be stuck in a rut, you won’t always be feeling negative or down. Soon enough, the rain will stop, and the storm will end, and you will be graced by some beautiful sunshine. It is these times in life we need to hold onto.
I urge everyone to sit and reflect on what it is they are grateful for in life, rather than to dwell on those things that make them feel like they’re the latest star on Days of Our Lives. It’s important to do that now, to take that time out and realize what’s important, rather than when the credits start to roll and its too late.
You might be thankful for your family, your friends, your relationship, your job, your hobbies, the opportunities you’ve had, but one thing’s for sure; there are many more great things to come your way.
So, keep smiling, keep optimistic and don’t forget that when one door closes another opens.  
Life is a beautiful thing.
I understand you’re scared, scared of losing what you have or scared of not getting what you need. But life’s a bit like a rollercoaster. You’re scared to death but you go on it anyway for the thrill because you know that at the end of the rollercoaster you will be okay and you will have enjoyed yourself. That’s life, so make the most of it. You will be scared, but at the end of the journey you will be okay. So buckle up and enjoy the ride. 

the greatest risk in life is not taking one.

Confusion takes many forms. You can be confused about what shoes to wear, what to have for lunch, who to go to the movies with; or, you can be like me, and be confused about EVERYTHING.
I have always been a very indecisive person, that’s for sure. From a young age, I’ve always umm’ed and ahh’ed about everything, and questioned others ‘I don’t know, what do you think?’. It’s one of my major faults. I struggle to make a decision, sitting and worrying about the possible outcomes of each option. It’s just who I am; basically a worrywart to say the least.
But now it seems I’m at a point where it’s not just some insignificant confusion. It’s serious. And the fact that I’m confused just makes me more confused, which, for a person like me is a huuuuge issue.
I don’t want to hurt those around me, but at the same time, how do I get out of this confused rut? The only way seems to be to take myself out of these familiar surroundings and let myself be lost. That way I will have to find my way, I will have to figure it out.
Growing up does that to people, I think, and this is my time in life to experience that feeling. That feeling of not knowing what’s next, of taking that step toward independence, and most of all, not being confused is one that I crave, and I think now’s the time.
This year I have off from studies is one that I plan to take advantage of.  Not only to make some money, travel, do all that, but also to figure out what I want in life; to grow. I am still only young, and it’s the perfect time to figure myself out.
It scares me to think that trying to ‘fix’ this confusion could have some negative consequences, but I know that I need to take responsibility, be fair to myself and others, and take that risk. Because when all is said and done, the greatest risk in life is not taking one.

time to find yourself.

Everyone talks about 'finding themselves', questioning 'who they are' or 'what they stand for'. It's a hard concept to grasp and one that I have been trying to ascertain for a good few years now.
I remember being fifteen, and discussing with my best friend the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song, 'you just might find who you're supposed to be'. We sat and talked about this concept and I had always had some fascination with it, some interest in taking some time to 'find myself'.
Three years on, and I still don't know whether I've found it. As we all begin to grow up, different things start happening, it seems as though it's important to know who you are, what you stand for, your passions, thoughts, morals, everything. And to an extent, I do know. I know that I am a girl with strong values, and I know that I want to do everything I can in life to leave my mark on the world. But as an independent person, how exactly would I define myself?
My friends are all beginning to become their own people; some for the better, others for the worse. But everything in my life is so stable, so constant, so, well, boring. Don't get me wrong, I love what I have right now in life, but I question whether this stability is providing me with such certainty that I will not have that time to myself to discover this struggled concept 'who am I?'.
Maybe I will never know, but I'm going to do all it takes to ensure I have done my best to find out. Surrounding myself with the right people, the right attitudes, the lot. I'm still unsure of what needs to be done, but I'm sure of one thing;

                                                 it's time to find myself.