that girl.

Let me introduce you to the latest game I'm playing. It's called 'The Waiting Game'. Basically, I sit and I wait. For him to choose when I am enough, for him to choose when he feels comfortable, for him to choose when I can have girlfriend privileges, basically just for him to choose to treat me right and like I deserve. Does it sound like a fun game to you? Me neither. But, little old me has signed my name up and strapped in for the ride. Let's see if I come out on top - let the games begin.

It's really hard to accept that somebody doesn't love you anymore. It's hard to be on the receiving end of that, when you still love the person with all your heat and soul. To not have any control, regardless of what you want or how you feel, absolutely sucks. It leaves you feeling empty. Feeling like there's just no point. I understand now that that's what it feels like to have your heart broken. I know everyone says it'll pass. But it certainly doesn't feel like it in the moment. How stupid am I that I whole heartedly still want to make it work? I am genuinely still holding on to some shrivel of hope that he's going to say he realises he could never live without me and loves me to the ends of the earth. But why would he? He's told me he doesn't see me like that. I guess I can't force him. I guess I just need to accept that I'm not that person for him anymore, even if he still is the one for me. For now, I'm still waiting, hopin...

I am so damn tired. Tired of not being good enough. Tired of putting in unreturned effort. Tired of telling myself it'll all work out. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of just having to accept that people's shitty mistakes can ruin your heart. Tired of loving someone who is seemingly never going to love me back. Self-worth. It's a concept that everyone may think they will hold when the time comes but it's so much easier said than done. I thought I had it. But when you're constantly pushing to be good enough for somebody to love, you lose it. You become someone craving some love and affection to make you feel you're worthy. All I want is to be loved. The way I once was. When someone used to tell me I looked gorgeous, that I was so kind, that they could never get enough of me. That's the hardest part about once having something amazing. You'll continue to compare to it. The thing is, everyone deserves that. Nobody deserves to have it ripped away....