3 years later...

My last post was titled 'Here's to 2014!' which, upon re-opening my blog, blew my mind. Where have 3 years gone? But at the same time, a lot has happened. Let me update you.

Basically, since then, I have finished uni, I have gained full time employment as a teacher, I have celebrated 6 and a half years with my boyfriend and I have been on multiple trips. But here I am, still the same old me. A little older, sure. Wiser? You could say that. But at the end of the day, I'm the same curious-minded girl I've always been!

You might be wondering why all of a sudden I've come back to writing. The truth is, I never stopped. The 'notes' application on your iPhone is a wonderful thing. But I'm ready now for my thoughts to be out there again.

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment. Between navigating the world of full time teaching, maintaining a social life as a 23 year old and hanging onto my relationship for dear life, my mind is constantly racing. This is somewhat of my outlet.

You'll have noticed that my relationship has played a feature role in my posts, and that's because it is something so near and dear to me. It is something that is constantly changing and evolving with its ups, downs and everything in between. The past six months have been tough - really tough. I've been clinging on with what feels like the tips of my fingers for a while.

Let me get you up to scratch. In short, my boyfriend confessed he wasn't in love with me anymore and later I found out he cheated and had been hiding quite a secret. Now, reading that, it sounds pretty self-explanatory. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm still so in love. Oh, for the record, I am soooo bloody in love. Well, firstly, his 'secret', I feel humbled that he trusted me enough to share that with me. I know that confessing what he had done would have been ridiculously difficult. Of course, initially, I was furious, but upon reflection, it shows me how strong and trusting our bond is that he would feel he can finally be truthful about it all. My only hope is that this truth is upheld going forward.

I feel as though now we have moved from that issue, and I'm pacing back to the 'in love' one. I am trying so hard to keep our relationship going. Remember my post back in 2012 where I mentioned being completely, 100% all in? Well, that was 5 years ago and the thing is, that entire time since then, I've been entirely invested. You can read my posts back, there is no doubt he was definitely invested. But something had changed recently and he'd lost interest. My hope is that now that we are starting fresh and maintaining a completely open relationship, his interest regains and he falls back in love.

I'm for sure giving it everything in me, but now an internal battle remains. I've been being completely honest with my feelings, showering him in love and affection and I feel as though that's not working. So do I pull back and hold my feelings a little closer to my chest to see if he meets me halfway? Or do I keep showing him how insanely loved he is? I know I can't really force anything, but he means the absolute world to me and I don't ever want to think about losing him. When we are good, he honestly makes me so happy. But I just crave that affection we once had - the kind where he would be the one to kiss me first, or to hug me from behind, give me a forehead kiss, tell me he loves me first etc. Those nostalgic feelings bring a smile to my face. Will we ever have that again? Please, tell me this was our low and we are only onwards and upwards from here. Please.

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